A Mother's Day Tribute – A Personal Post

Today is Mother’s Day, and during the half-marathon, I thought about my mom after seeing people with their own mothers.  My mom passed away in August of 2004 when I was living in Jakarta.  I had seen her in March for the LA Marathon and she was fine.  Less than a month later, I got a call from my uncle that something happened with my mom and she was in the hospital.  We flew down and when I saw her, it was not the same person.  She had some kind of stroke or blood-clot (they never really found out what) and it was terrible to see her in that condition.  I came back in May to try to get her affairs in order after she was moved into a care facility.

When we came back in July for my high school reunion, she had had a turn-around and looked like my same old mom, her hair was done, and she was talking just fine.  I remember driving away and wondering if this was the last time I would see her – and it was.

In August – just a month later – I went into the office in Jakarta and I had a one-line email from my Uncle that she had died.  I made arrangements that day to fly back (all of these were 15 hour flights each way) and we sorted out the funeral plans for a couple of days later.  What follows is the speech I gave at her funeral (written on the plane) with some edits for this post.

Happy Mother’s Day mom, we all still miss you and wish I could have one more dinner that you made.

Our parents shape our entire lives in many big and small ways. My mom taught me – and us – about things like tolerance, goodness, unconditional love, stability, endurance, support and love of travel. I would like to share with you today some of these.

First, many of you know the story – which I think is one of the greatest love stories of all time. My dad was from Chicago, my mom from New York (Brooklyn to be precise). They both ended up in California in late 1955 when they were already around 30 years old. On Christmas Eve 1955 they first met. On New Year’s Eve 1955, just 7 days later, they announced their engagement. Just six weeks later, around Valentine’s Day on February 11^th 1956, they were married. Incredibly, they were married for over 39 years until my dad passed away in May 1995. They never strayed from one another and remained true all those years.

I found this recently in my mom’s High School graduation autograph book:

Pins and Needles,

Needles and Pins

When you get married,

Trouble begins!

My mom also showed great dedication to my dad during his later years during his frequent years to Northridge Hospital, during which time I quickly memorized the hospital phone number (885-8500).

What is also remarkable is that after my dad passed away in 1995, she was able to live a second full life as well taking trips, gambling and bowling.

Most of you know my mom loved to cook! It was only fitting then that her job for oh so many years was as a nutritionist at Granada Hills hospital. My mom to have as many people over and serve as many courses as possible in one sitting. Everyone was always open and the more the merrier. My mom was always getting up and down to get the turkey and 14 side dishes ready to serve. I can’t believe that I won’t be having dinner again with my mom cooking.

My mom and dad loved to talk to anyone they met – anyone and about anything.

One of my favorite stories was when we flew my mom out to Stockholm in 2000 for her 75^th birthday. When she arrived, she said she met a nice man in Chicago O’Hare airport from Ericsson that knew me. And I was thinking, yeah right.

About 2 or 3 years later, I am getting ready for a meeting with British Telecom (BT) with this executive from our company, Rory Buckly, (whom I hadn’t seen in quite some time). He tells me, “I met your mom”. You could knock me over with a feather, “I said what!?”

Now you have to picture Rory first. He was one of the most important guys in Ericsson, but also had a reputation as one of the feistiest. He is short and rather round, Scottish/Irish and is prone to yell and scream a lot on behalf of his customer. So Rory, proceeds to tell me that my Mom started chatting him up while they were both waiting for connecting flight to Stockholm and they talked for 45 minutes.

First I was mortified thinking my mom tied up so much of this man’s valuable time, but then he told me how genuinely nice she was and to tell her hi!

[Footnote from 2009: Rory now happens to be the CEO at Acision and the boss of David King (COO) and Gerard Delaney (heading sales)].

One of my parent’s favorite things to do was to travel. I remember, kind of, going on my first airplane ride in 1963 to New York and our many camping and driving trips across the country. This is where we invented the phrase “are we there yet!” you hear from others. This is where I picked up the travel bug myself.

My mom also loved to gamble. But not like gambling the family home away or anything, because anyway she ALWAYS won. She was one of the luckiest gamblers I have ever seen. She loved video poker, although sometimes she would do slot machines.

One time a couple of years ago, we took her to Las Vegas for some gambling. This was right after 9/11 and security was high. So, we lost my mom in the Venetian Hotel. Well not exactly, because while we searched frantically for her, she was probably in the same place the whole time. All the while, I am circling the hotel in some big Expedition or something while the security guards were convinced that I was casing the place for a terrorist attack. No, I patiently explained, we just lost my mom and we’re trying to find her.

She was so lucky, that she was one of these people who put in one last quarter before leaving and hit the jackpot. My mom would always bring home 100’s of dollars from her Vegas trips. One time, when she was in Stockholm, Nick and I took her on a ferry cruise to an island off of Finland. On the ship there were blackjack and slot machines. I remember how lucky we were and in the end all three of us sat and had all of these coins spread out around us and counting them.

She loved to play Mahjong when we were young and have all these women over to the house and I can still hear the tiles being put on the board (and stealing some snacks and treats that were always served).

She also always had her hair and nails done. When we were down in July to see her and she knew I was coming, she had just had the nursing home beautician do her hair, and it always looked good. In a little more than a month she would be gone.

My mom also really cared about her grandchildren, Nick and Jeremy. It was due to her love of bowling that got me into it and eventually them as well. Today, Jeremy has thrown a couple of 300 games and maintained a 200-210 average when he was active. I don’t think he would have taken this path except for my mom’s original interest.

One of the things I will always love about my mom and miss is her love of giving presents. Not just presents, but lots of presents. When it came time for holiday gift giving she would rather give 27 small presents than one big one. She loved wrapping tons of small gifts and doling them out. It put a lot of pressure on me to think quantity and not quality.

My mom and dad were the original writers of the book on unconditional love. No matter what their kids did, they still loved us. And unconditional meant really that. They were no good at imparting any guilt on us. I can tell you that all of us did some bad things during our times (who doesn’t?), and my teenage years were definitely not the calmest. But she was cool and I remember that if I asked, she would buy me a six-pack of beer to take to a party so that I didn’t have to wait in front of a liquor store to flag somebody down.

It’s funny how we turn out like our parents in some ways and in other ways, we subconsciously try to be the opposite isn’t it. My parents bought their home in 1956 before I was born and my mom was still there 48 years later. For some reason, I always felt “born to run” and after moving out at age 18, have lived in very many places. But during this time, I always had home to come back to. I still called my mom once or twice every week or more, no matter where I was.

My mom was funny in that I would tell her about going to the Great Wall in China or Marrakesh or something and my mom would say something like, “That’s nice, they opened a new K-Mart near us”. She cared about me of course and wanted to hear about adventures and was always proud, it’s just that it was hard for her to relate and neighborhood events were more relevant.

My mom was a smoker for many years and would go out on the balcony of my apartment in Malibu Canyon and smoke as late as 1991. Amazingly, my mom finally quit smoking a few years later, and never started back. I give my mom tremendous credit in quitting cold turkey like that.

The one thing to say about my mom was that she was a genuinely good person. She lived her life fully and without any regrets. All she wanted was “can’t everyone just get along”. I still can’t believe that she is gone and both of my parents are not coming back. No matter where we lived or what I did, I always knew I could call home and talk to her. We didn’t have to have deep conversations or talk about solving world hunger or world peace, but that was ok. I knew that she would be happy to hear my voice and I would listen to the events of Canoga Park, no matter how trivial they may have seemed to others.

She was also unconditionally proud of me no matter what I did, or didn’t do. She was equally proud when I was a telephone operator or company president.

The key message is to love each other while on earth.

I know now that my mom and dad are back together at last after being physically apart for these past 9 years. I know that the first thing my mom would do for my dad after meeting him past the pearly gates is to make him and her other long-lost friends a big 27 course dinner. Afterward, I know she is planning to take a cruise with him somewhere so they can talk to strangers and go gambling. She was always lucky and we were all lucky to be blessed with her presence on earth and wish nothing for her now but a pain free, peaceful, easy after-life.

I would like to close by reading another passage from my mom’s school graduation in 1939:

Your future lies before

Like a path of fallen snow

Be careful how you tread

Because every mark will show

Mom, you led a good life. You were a good wife and mother. You raised good children and grandchildren. We will think of you often and will be in our dreams. We will miss you and always love you.